Good evening, everybody! Yes, I’m back, living proof that HM Immigration Service is just a waste of tax money. I’ll be using some explicit language tonight, so tell your children to pay attention, in case you need any of the words explained.
Guess what! I’ve some more news from Romania! First of all, they’ve re-branded my country for tourists with a new slogan: “The Land of Choice”, made to replace the old one, “Simply Surprising!”. I know, this is boring, but do you know what else they are about to do in that country? Dis-incriminate incest! Ain’t gonna be a crime no more! The MPs I’m told are actually very fond of the idea. Come to think of it, I never knew we had so many mother fuckers in Parliament! That’s the proof that was missing, right? Just have a good look at them: many look as though their dad’s also their brother! Why am I not surprised?
Well, as soon as the incest bill is passed, there will be a whole new meaning to the phrase: “Sister, your ass looks bitching!” It will be like a socially acceptable compliment. You know, this new idea of legalising sex between relatives also gives a new perspective in “family entertainment”… “Kids, we’re going over to granny’s, you just behave, play nice, use a condom and a lot of foreplay!”
Can you imagine the kind of pillow talk those MP blokes must be used to? “Babe, you were so hot, I’d like you to meet my parents! But, hey, you know them already, they’re yours too!”. Or picture this family scene: “Hey, mom, what’s with you all dressed up tonight?” – “O, hun, I got a hot date with cousin George, from the country… Don’t wait up! He bring you smoked pork knuckles, your favourite…” That’s just fucked up, I’ll tell you.
Its no surprise what they do in Parliament now, after watching Hollywood movies where people greet each other “Waddup, ma mothafucka??”. Perhaps because Romanians love the Yanks so much. That’s also fact, of all the European nations, Romanians love the Americans the most. Whatever the Yanks say, we do. They want to bomb Serbia? Come over, use our airports, it’ll save you some gas! Yanks say, we do. “Hey, we’re gonna bomb Afghanistan, wanna join us?” – “Hell, why not?” – “How about Iraq?” – “Yeah, sure, fuck those ragheads!” “Wanna bomb Romania??” – “Don’t bother, we’ll do that for you, we still got shitloads of ammo just lying around left from the Cold War!” They say “Jump!”, we say “On whom?”
You know what they should do? Make incest compulsory! For those in the government, I mean. ‘Cause if they don’t go and fuck their own mothers, we’ll be so happy to do it for them! If the Romanian people put up with this, I’m off to a normal country, like North Korea!
But they still would not legalise pot. You know, marijuana, Mary Jane, skunk, weed, grass, cannabis – it may go by many names. You can’t smoke that, it’s against the law! Hit on you mom instead, it’s legal!
Well, we’re friends with the Yanks and if they say drugs are bad, we say the same. Do you know when the Yanks realized drugs were a problem? During the Vietnam war. Drug addictions were at their highest – pardon my choice of words – within the ranks dispatched to the Nam. So the military immediately took drastic action to reduce and eliminate the drugs. I’d have eliminated the war altogether, but hell, who am I? See, it was a real problem when the soldiers that were killing civilians by the millions were too high on drugs to do their job. Who was gonna do the killing for them? You don’t aim well, some might escape. So it’s perhaps thanks to marijuana that we still have some Vietnamese at all today. Soldiers on drugs don’t take orders very well: “Private! Drop and give me 50!” – “Yeah, sarge, dude, cool hat, man! Here, have a drag!” – “Enemy infantry at 12 o’ clock! Base of fire!” – “Sure, dude, whatever…” – “Fire your rifles! Kill them!” – “Chill, dude, you’s ruining the good vibes!” Of course the Yanks want the weed banned…
One more thing they won’t legalize in Romania is gay marriages. Not like I care very much about them, but just consider the logic: “Hey, John, you can marry your sister, but not your brother! I am sorry, that’s against the law!”
So maybe it’s time to think opportunity in adversity…
If you want so smoke some shit, ask a cop for a light for your joint, take a hike to Amsterdam, fry your brains, who cares? Got the hots for your sister? Get her to come to Romania. Absynth? Czech Republic is the place for you. Wanna join the Al Queda? We all know where London is… Go, my son, be a martyr, your beloved widow sister is going to smoke one for ya…
Speaking of the Balkans, do you know they tried to enforce a smoking ban in Serbia too? But they failed miserably. Wanna know why? Well, apparently – and that’s for real – the Serbian word for “to smoke” is also used to describe “to give oral sex” – pušiti. “Ti pušiš sigaretu” – “You smoke a cigarette” – “Ti pušiš kurac” – “You give me a blow job”. Who’d want to walk into a hotel where signs are warning: “Blowjobs are illegal in these premises?” I know there’s more than one meaning to this word, but are you willing to take that chance? Neither are the Serbs… See, these guys sure know how to live…
I guess every country has it’s own moral boundaries. In Romania – sick as it is – you can romance your own sister, but they’ll also let you smoke inside. In the UK, they won’t let you smoke inside but, if you romance your sister, they won’t release your name to the media. See? Problem solved! We’ll deal with it like grow-ups: pretend it never happened!
You tell me what’s more fucked up! What would you rather have? A smoking ban or a licence to fuck anything on two legs? Given the choice, I’m afraid you’re gonna kiss all your migrants goodbye pretty soon. You know where they’ll be! In a land of their choice…
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